I Am My Own Again... and I'm not sure I like it.

So much can change in two and half years... but just two and a half years ago I wrote a blog about how tough motherhood is, called "I Am Not My Own." This blog, "I Am My Own Again" is the sequel, the continued version, and you will find that a LOT can change in that short amount of time.  If you have babies under the age of 6, you should take a moment and read my other blog first... then DEFINITELY come back to this one, it will encourage you!

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Link to "Motherhood is Tough: #Iamnotmyown"

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I am my own again.

I’m on the other side...

Mommmm... come wipe my butt!
Mommmm... she just called me stupid!
Mommmm... she’s not sharing!
Mommmm... she's touching me!

Lots of “she’s...” in our house full of girls.

Your day is filled with wiping snotty noses, dirty faces, tiny tooshies.

Your day is filled with squeaky voices, screaming wails, hushed whispers.

Your day is filled with changing laundry, making snacks, refilling silly cups, reheating your coffee for the 4th time, rocking babies, soothing toddlers, finding breastmilk pads laying in random places...

YOUR DAY IS FILLED!

Your nights are even worse... you sleep (if it can be called that) in a state of constant awareness - able to sleep, yet hear your babies slightest sound, able to sleep yet adjust your body to accommodate your baby and make sure they aren’t smothered by pillows or blankets, able to sleep and change a diaper at the same time, able to warm up a bottle or breastfeed your baby while we do the “mommy” version of 'sleep.' Only to wake feeling exhausted...

YOUR NIGHTS ARE FILLED!

It seems endless, a vortex that has no end in sight.

But it does... and that’s the sad thing.

My girls are now 12, 11, 8, and 6. And I feel sad. Sad doesn’t quite explain it. I am yearning to open my arms to another child. I am yearning for those sleepless nights, yearning to watch the first smiles of a baby again, the gummy grins. I want to see the adventurous crawlers find their freedom, the toddling monster walk... I am longing for all the things that have passed.

That season of life that seemed like it would never end... it doesn’t last long... and it's true, it does come to an end. I have been living in this life of 'freedom' for two years. But this freedom feels a little like a loss. I thought I had processed the idea that my womb would no longer have another baby, but every now and then a wave of grief hits me.

I sacrificed 10 years of my life... my body incubated and sustained life, both inside and outside of the womb for 10 years.... and then it grew up; they grew up. 10 years seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of things don’t you think? If you knew that this wouldn’t last much longer, that this phase would be over so quicker, it might be a little easier getting through.

Honestly, by the time your littlest is 4, life seems a LOT easier. Now my littlest is 6, and I feel like I am my own person again. It helps to have an amazing older daughter, and a little tribe of women who love each other fiercely. But if you knew that this season was as short as 4-6 years of life.... you might look at it differently.

It’s easy to wish the days away. I did. I enjoyed them, but I also felt like I died a little. I am back to life, but secretly, I deeply desire to be back in the throws of it all.

I’m just giving you a glimpse into my heart. I see you momma... I don’t have to know you well to know what you are struggling with... and my struggles may have been different from yours, but I know we all wished/wish it was easier. Guess what... you ARE and are BECOMING and amazing human through this process we call motherhood. You are a gift to your children. When you wonder if anyone sees you, or values you, or remembers how amazing you were at this or that, just know that being a mom is making you greater than you could ever imagine.

You are learning to love in greater measure... an unconditional love.
You are selfless - it goes beyond patience, it is completely denying yourself for another.
You are learning to follow your instincts and intuition at a whole new level.
You are learning to stand your ground.
You are learning to silence the critics.
You are learning to ask for help.
You are learning that things aren't always as they seem.
You are learning not to judge others.
You are learning what is truly important in life and what is just fluff.
You ARE... you ARE so much more YOU NOW, than you have ever been.

Motherhood has a way of stripping us to our barest, most vulnerable place, and reshaping us, helping us to grow in our strengths. You are AMAZING, and BEAUTIFUL, and have greater potential now than ever before. And it is totally ok to breakdown 10 times a day from exhaustion. It is totally ok to feed your child peanut butter and jelly for the 5th time in a row. It's ok to feel like a failure, as long as your give yourself grace to grow. It's gonna be ok!

And just so you know... I see you!
I’m on the other side cheering you on - while also plotting to steal your baby for snuggles.

Don't grow weary in doing the most beautiful task a woman could be given. Love your babies and be their world because this season won't last forever.

Read "I am not my own..."